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Western Riding in Scotland
WESTERN HUMOUR
Tell us your jokes, definitions, anything to do with Western riding, horses, or, if it is very funny, any subject.
Paul Morrisson sent the following. Thanks, Paul!
Why do Texas cowboys curl up the sides of their hats? So you can fit more of those boys into a pickup.
Cowboys and Angels
Leather and Lace
Salt of the earth
Meets Heavenly Grace
Cowboys and Angels
Tested and tried
Its a long way to Heaven
And one helluvah ride.
A sassy redheaded cowgirl strolls into a bar just as the TV news is coming on. She sits down next to a dizzy blond cowgirl at the bar and looks up at the TV. There's a news report about a wild bronc ride at the rodeo, and both women watch as a cowboy bursts out of the chute on one real firecracker of a wild horse.
The redhead turns to the blond and says, "I bet that horse throws 'im off and stomps the hell outa 'im."
The blond looks at her with these wide blue eyes and says, "Well, I bet he won't."
The redhead puts $20 on the bar and says, "You're on."
The blond puts her money on the bar and looks up just in time to see the cowboy come flying out of the saddle and the horse stomping the living hell out of him.
"Damn!" she says, handing her twenty to the redhead. "I guess you just won the bet."
The redhead cowgirl looks at her and says, "Honey, I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 6 o'clock news an' knew that cowboy would come off that horse an' get stomped."
"Yeah," the blond replies. "I did too, but I sure as hell didn't think he'd be stupid enough to get back up on again."
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Thanks Linda Crossland for the following:
No, the middle picture is not me! Despite
the obvious (facial!!!) resemblance.... Rody
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18 Reasons Riding is Better Than Sex
18- You don't have to sneak your riding magazines into the house.
17- If you are having trouble with riding, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16- The Ten Commandments don't say anything about riding.
15- If your trainer takes pictures or videotapes of you riding, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14- Your horse won't keep asking questions about other horses you've ridden.
13- It's perfectly respectable to ride a horse you've never met before just once, or to ride many horses in the same day, whether you know them or not.
12- When you see a really good horse, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining riding him.
11- If your regular horse isn't available, he/she won't object if you ride another horse.
10- Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you ride by yourself.
9- When dealing with a riding trainer, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8- You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy riding stuff.
7- You can have a riding calendar on your wall at the office, tell riding jokes and invite co-workers to ride with you without getting sued for harassment.
6- There's no such thing as a Riding Transmitted Disease.
5- If you want to watch horses on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel (but you might need a video tape).
4- Nobody expects you to promise to ride the same horse for the rest of your life.
3- Nobody expects you to give up riding if your equine partner loses interest
in the sport.
2- You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the
enjoyment of riding.
1- Your horse will never say, "What? You just rode me last week! Is that all you ever think about?"
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Top Ten Ways To Becoming A Better Equestrian
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it
up right
away. Shout,
"Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
9.
Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall,"
Roll lithely into a ball and
spring to your feet.
8.
Learn to grab your checkbook out of your pocket or purse and write
out a $200 check without even looking down.
7.
Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell
the neighbours what you are doing -- they might as well know
now.
6.
Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling
it to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5.
Hone your fibbing skills: "See Hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and
"No, really, I'm glad
your lucky performance and multimillion dollar
horse won the blue ribbon. I
am just thankful that my hard work and
actual ability won me second
place."
4.
Practice dialling your vet number with both arms paralysed to the
shoulder and one foot
anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3.
Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten,
thrown, kicked, dragged,
slimed, trampled, frozen...
2.
Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding
clothes and repeat to
yourself, "This is a learning experience,
this is a learning experience, this is..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: MARRY MONEY!
........................................................
MOST OF THESE COULD ALSO APPLY TO HORSES!
* Dogs don't cry
* Dogs love it when your friends come over
* Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
* Dogs think you're a great singer
* Dogs don't expect you to call when you run late
* The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
* Dogs will forgive you for playing around with other dogs
* Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
* Dogs are excited by rough play
* Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
* Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
* Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor
* A Dog's disposition stays the same all month long
* Dogs never need to examine the relationship
* Dogs' parents never visit
* Dogs love long car trips
* Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
* Dogs never criticise
* Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
* Dogs never expect gifts
* Dogs don't worry about germs
* Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had
* Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
* Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one
* Dogs don't keep you waiting
* Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
* Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
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Here is what happens when a light bulb needs changing, at a
stable yard with various breeds of horse:
TB: Oh my god, I won't be able to see anything, I might trip and hurt myself,
I'm going tooooo paniiiiccc!!!
QH: Yeah, light bulb needs changing. Yeah. Cool.
Arab: Did someone say lights? Make up? Action?!! TaDa!
Warmblood: What light bulb? Dohh!
Appaloosa: Get that b****y light bulb changed! Now!
Andalucian: How can I be expected to put up with this? Honestly, don't they know
who I am?!
Shetland: Hey, we can have some fun while they can't see us!
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The scene is a dude ranch where a cowboy has had constant complaints from a guest. The guest approaches the cowboy to deliver his umpteenth complaint for the day. The day is hot and the guest has a cloud of flies round his head which he is unsuccessfully trying to swipe away.
Cowboy:
"These circle flies sure are a pest"
Guest: "Why do you call them circle flies?"
Cowboy: "Because they are always found circling the horses' tails"
Guest: "Well this lot aren't"
Cowboy (doubtfully): "No........."
Guest: "Are you calling me a horses ass?"
Cowboy: "No sir, I wouldn't do that ..............But you can't fool them
flies!"
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A cowboy was driving a busload of dudes into town when it was hit by a crashing plane and everybody on the bus was killed. They all went to heaven and were told by God to line up and he would grant each of them one wish. The cowboy went modestly to the back of the queue. God asked the first dude what he wanted to wish for. The dude said that he had spent a month at the ranch and had not even scraped the surface of the cowboy skills - his wish was that he could be a skilled cowboy. The Lord said he would grant his wish. The cowboy at the back of the line saw all his years of learning and hard work achieved by the dude in an instant. This upset him as each former guest realised that this was a great wish and each of them made their former mentor sadder as his hard earned skills were were bestowed. When God was halfway up the line the cowboy began to smile. By the time God was getting to the cowboy's turn the cowboy was rolling on the floor laughing. God eventually reached the cowboy and asked him for his one wish. He struggled to get the words out through his laughter - "Make them all dudes again!"
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